You Didn't Say Anything

*I wrote this shortly after a hypnosis session trying to break down some painful things that I was going through. This is a bout what I saw, what I experienced during that session, where I broke down in a way I had never truly done before. It was uncontrollable sobbing shear sadness and this is why.

I knew you’d be there, I just didn’t know how you’d make your appearance. You’ve been with me since before I can remember, always there on  the peripheral, the voice in my head telling me to keep on driving and see where the road tales me. The one that says sell everything live off the land, you don’t need this.

But what I saw was not what I expected. In my head you were always this scared little girl hiding from the world urging me to run away. But instead you were stunning, radiating light all around, a smile that never stopped. You never spoke you didn’t need to.

It seemed to take you a while to realize I was with you because you sat there for a while your back resting peacefully against the tree. I tried to resist this image, we would never do this; sit where bugs could be, where dirt could ruin me. But you sat there smiling, peaceful, quiet, and happy.  Your brown baby curls framed your face. God that blissful face. That’s where I lose it.

I can’t understand how happy you are. I never once thought of you this way, how much I thought you weak and scared. You must have heard me sobbing because you turned and looked at me. Again you say nothing you don’t need to, you know me better than I know you. My emotions don’t worry you, you simply take my hand and pulled me to the forest floor to sit and be, It’s to much for me and I sit sobbing again. I left you terrified and a lone, cold, and crying how did you find this beautiful, wonderfully, peaceful place. Lush green forest damp and dry all at the same time, warm with a light breeze.

I’m angry but not at you, my beautiful smiling joy. Now you’re just spinning in the sun light’s beam through the trees inviting me to dance with you, with only your eyes. But I can’t, I can only weep. With all I left you to handed you still smile, you still find joy in everything. You are the best part of me and I abandoned you for what. To be someone I’m not.

Truthfully I thought I lost you long ago, those days when the voice wasn’t keep going but instead lets crash and see if it hurts, those days when getting out of bed seemed so hard. But here you are spinning as if showing off a new dress. You spin and laugh and all I can do is weep. You never had the chance to grow, to explore. That’s why you say keep driving, not because you are scared but because you are hungry for something more. I’m the one whose is scared, afraid of what could be or won’t be. You are the best part of me. You are the voice that challenges me to do new things because you know no pain, no heart ache. You keep my heart beating; get me out of bed every day even when it seems so hard.

It’s time for me to leave you now but it’s not like last time. This time I know you’re safe and happy, you don’t say anything as I leave you don’t have to. You are just happy to know I’ve found you again to know I haven’t given up. You stop spinning but only to wave see you soon. As I leave I see you running not because you’re scared but just because. You don’t say anything you don’t have to.

Twila Rhodes