The Drunken Phone Call

The Drunken Phone Call

You said I played the game well and I guess that was the biggest difference between us.

See this was never a game to me.

This was always about my heart and your heart.

Me giving it unconditionally to you, me giving you my trust, my love and for you it was just a game, a three-year game.

You gave me props for playing it well, the memory makes me want to hurl.

You were impressed I didn’t drunk dial or text.

I didn’t because I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be that girl that begged someone to love her no matter how bad she wanted him too.

I wouldn’t do it again.

And if it was just a game then you my friend are the true winner, see I always loved you, even when…

Well you know, I never hid my feelings.

See you forget so easily I lost what ever game was played a year before that call, when I did the drunk text/ dial after seeing the end of the wine bottle several nights because I was so broken.

I allowed you to break me over and over again. I gave you all the power.

You had some of the best of me then.
See I’m the loser here, not because I lost you but because I loved you.

Because I didn’t even realize we were playing a game.

I thought I was loving someone who loved me, but it was just a game to you.

And then there we were at the end of this game you created and you tell me I played it well, because I didn’t come crawling back a third time.

But how could I?

My piece was in pieces.

There are only so many times you can glue a broken heart back together before it changes.

So now I’m with my heart in pieces trying desperately to put it back together.

Every song, every story is about you, about me, and it brings back what could have been what will never be.

 What I thought I knew.

I thought you loved me, I thought I knew you, but it was just a game.

I can’t blame you entirely. I was warned. They all told me, “make sure you control the game!” But I never understood the rules. I never understood. How could my heart be a piece in a game?

I couldn’t believe it could even exist.

But you did, and you played it flawlessly.

I still don’t know all the rules, I just know my piece isn’t playable yet, no matter how hard I wished it would be.

To put it back in the game terrifies me, no matter how brave I seem. I am petrified to play again.

So here I sit two years after you ended the game the first time drunk off my ass.

Here is every drunken text, every drunken call you had talked about, losing again.

I’m praying daily I can enter this game I still don’t understand with the same abilities.

I don’t want you to be the winner.

I don’t want you to be the last person to have the best of me.

You could have been the luckiest man alive.

You could have been loved more than you realized.

We could have both truly been a winner in something bigger than this stupid game you played.
But like you said you THREW ME AWAY, shattering my already fragilely pieced together heart.

I want to have a masterfully feminine war cry to end this story to scream I am better than you could ever imagine, you were nothing to me, by why continue to lie?

You weren’t just a game to me, you never were.

You were home, you were honesty, and you were my safety.

You were what made me want to be better.

I had never found that before and I trusted you with my most prized possession, my heart.

So there it is, my drunken phone call / text that I’ve been holding onto for to long now. Congratulations you win.

Twila Rhodes

11/25/17