The Drunken Phone Call

The Drunken Phone Call

You said I played the game well and I guess that was the biggest difference between us.

See this was never a game to me.

This was always about my heart and your heart.

Me giving it unconditionally to you, me giving you my trust, my love and for you it was just a game, a three-year game.

You gave me props for playing it well, the memory makes me want to hurl.

You were impressed I didn’t drunk dial or text.

I didn’t because I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be that girl that begged someone to love her no matter how bad she wanted him too.

I wouldn’t do it again.

And if it was just a game then you my friend are the true winner, see I always loved you, even when…

Well you know, I never hid my feelings.

See you forget so easily I lost what ever game was played a year before that call, when I did the drunk text/ dial after seeing the end of the wine bottle several nights because I was so broken.

I allowed you to break me over and over again. I gave you all the power.

You had some of the best of me then.
See I’m the loser here, not because I lost you but because I loved you.

Because I didn’t even realize we were playing a game.

I thought I was loving someone who loved me, but it was just a game to you.

And then there we were at the end of this game you created and you tell me I played it well, because I didn’t come crawling back a third time.

But how could I?

My piece was in pieces.

There are only so many times you can glue a broken heart back together before it changes.

So now I’m with my heart in pieces trying desperately to put it back together.

Every song, every story is about you, about me, and it brings back what could have been what will never be.

 What I thought I knew.

I thought you loved me, I thought I knew you, but it was just a game.

I can’t blame you entirely. I was warned. They all told me, “make sure you control the game!” But I never understood the rules. I never understood. How could my heart be a piece in a game?

I couldn’t believe it could even exist.

But you did, and you played it flawlessly.

I still don’t know all the rules, I just know my piece isn’t playable yet, no matter how hard I wished it would be.

To put it back in the game terrifies me, no matter how brave I seem. I am petrified to play again.

So here I sit two years after you ended the game the first time drunk off my ass.

Here is every drunken text, every drunken call you had talked about, losing again.

I’m praying daily I can enter this game I still don’t understand with the same abilities.

I don’t want you to be the winner.

I don’t want you to be the last person to have the best of me.

You could have been the luckiest man alive.

You could have been loved more than you realized.

We could have both truly been a winner in something bigger than this stupid game you played.
But like you said you THREW ME AWAY, shattering my already fragilely pieced together heart.

I want to have a masterfully feminine war cry to end this story to scream I am better than you could ever imagine, you were nothing to me, by why continue to lie?

You weren’t just a game to me, you never were.

You were home, you were honesty, and you were my safety.

You were what made me want to be better.

I had never found that before and I trusted you with my most prized possession, my heart.

So there it is, my drunken phone call / text that I’ve been holding onto for to long now. Congratulations you win.

Twila Rhodes

11/25/17

Enough

I'm not sleeping...and for what?
The Dr tells me its all in my head.
But what isn't in my head?
Lately it's been an onslaught of undesired advice:
I'm told not to be so defensive,
I'm told to be more confident in my decisions,
Yet I'm be little at every turn.

I'm not sleeping...and for what?
I've fought insecurities all my life,
Who among us haven't?
But when I'm asked why are you so defensive?
I want to yell, "Because I have to defend my enoughness to you, as much as I do to myself."
And when I'm told in a passive way, I'm not enough of whatever it is,
it brings back all the enoughs I've had to conquer:
Not pretty enough
Not skinny enough
Not quiet enough
Not girly enough
Not rich enough
Not normal enough
Not strong enough.
The list could go no and on with the amount of enough I've felt I'm not.
And yet lately it feels like my best enough just isn't enough for them any longer,
even though I stand and defend my enoughness over and over again.
Then it hits me I've had enough of you!

My friend you are fighting a losing battle,
I've fought this battle with myself more times then I can count, and it has made me strong Enough
to stand up against you!
I've forgotten you are not my fiercest opponent even at the worst of times.
See I've been fighting my enoughness a long time and nothing you say or do will break me of my winning streak.
Because, while my war may wage on this battle between you and my enoughness is over.
I learned a long time ago that if I am nothing else,
I am strong enough to overcome anything,
and for that fact alone I am enough!
And I've had enough of you!

I'm Thinking I Need to Cry

So I found this looking through some of my writings, according to the information on the file I wrote this almost 3 years ago, but how ironic this is feeling for me at this time.

I’m thinking I need to cry, over what I am not sure!

My tears brim on the edge of my lids waiting to be let free.

To cry would be the answer but for what, I still don’t know.

Do I cry for the ones I’ve lost near and far?

Do I cry for the ones I’ve left?

Do I cry for the life I’ve given up, or for the life I’ve gained?

My tears flow freely behind my eyes, my sadness unexplained.

I fear!

I hurt! I want to cry, but I’m not sure why!

I write but can’t speak afraid of what I’ll say!

I keep it all pinned down so deep so no one sees my pain!

I wear a mask that holds the tears to keep the hurt at bay!

I want so bad to understand, the ache that numbs my heart.

Because pretending only gets you so far,

But for now pretend I must!